Slip slidin’ through and past the ‘dog days’ of summer. The days named so because of the position of Sirius, the Dog Star. Isn’t that interesting? I used to think that it meant the days when the dogs get so hot and tired that they just lie in and be lazy in whatever shade there is. Both explications of ‘the dog days of summer’ work, don’t they? They are equally telling but mine is a bit more colourful? Ha. I am in my ‘dog days’. I have work to do that I am avoiding with just a tad of procrastination. I have a serious talent in the area of procrastination. This fact was pointed out in the ‘teacher remarks’ area of my kindergarten report card. I have kept the trait alive, these many years.
These many years, I am a procrastinator and a perfectionist. The simplest things to learn and know of yourself are the hardest to own. I am trying to own them, at this late point in life, in order that I may move forward and accomplish something I can value.
These two simple faults are the most pressing at times, they create the most anxiety. These two simple faults are the easiest to misunderstand as well. Procrastination is not laziness. Perfectionism is not elitism. Procrastination, at the root, is fear. I think most of us believe it is an act of laziness but fear is the driver. Laziness is a dog in the shade. Laziness is willfully walking through the flower bed instead of around it. Laziness is tossing a paper cup on the ground instead of in the trash can, three feet away. Laziness is leaving the lights on when you go to another room and know you aren’t coming back. Procrastination is avoiding and surrendering to, fear in a thousand forms. Fear of finishing a project and then maybe not having anything to do? Fear of finishing a project incorrectly? Procrastination is more like throwing up backstage while the conductor and audience are waiting for your arrival in the spotlight. It isn’t being lazy and careless about other’s time. Procrastination is keeping the money in the bank out of fear you will need it for something important, when something important needs to be paid for.
Perfectionism is something other that it seems, too. Perfectionism is not holding yourself above others, it’s the opposite. A perfectionist is not one who demands things to be a certain way and is very vocal about it. That isn’t perfectionism, that is arrogance. Arrogance is another problem, yes but has only a small element to do with perfectionism. Real perfectionism is a much deeper, more personal fault. Perfectionism is the soul believing it and everything it touches, is not good enough. Not good enough.
So, I procrastinate and I hold myself to very high standards. That is a sort of double whammy, most of the time. I am afraid to finish or to start something because it won’t be good enough or I won’t get enough done or… or… This is a cycle, a circle, a roundabout from which it is very difficult to emerge. Sometimes, I can just do and be and it is okay. Most often, not. I have a feeling that you know the feeling, yourself. Sometimes, what I am doing or want to do, I know to be so imperfect that I cannot move myself to do it. Those are the only truly wasted days, the days when I stare out the window and my heart races.
There are days to get up, and do something. Days, like today, when doing something other than what you fully intended, wanted to do is also being forward moving, making progress. Ah. No, I am not being lazy about working on my little shed project. I am procrastinating because it won’t be perfect when I am done. It won’t be flawlessly level and square, the way Stefan would have done it. I won’t have finished as much as Yvan would have finished. It will take me all summer. Sigh.
The writing jumped in today to take over the slack time. I am typing in order not to be idle. Well, the typing is also less than Margaret Atwood would have done. The words, meaning, intent are less exact than my brother Peter might have done if he were doing it. Thing is, he isn’t doing it. Peter is not writing this, Stefan is not building my shed, Yvan is not working like crazy getting everything done at once. I am doing this and it is ok. What I am doing is good enough. What I am doing is exercising my own abilities.
Ha. The measuring ruler is on in my word processor. That is a double meaning for certain. It is measuring me as I write. The ruler is there, staring back at me. I don’t have to be eight and one half by eleven with a one inch margin around. I can type or build or sing or play at odd angles and sizes and it is good enough. Good enough to accomplish the goal. That goal is to feel whole and fell alive and be just ordinary, just good enough. Sigh. Okay, I had better get busy on the little lop-sided shed, now that I have completed the lop-sided blog. Hahahahahahah.
Robert On The Air 