Dash two
My everything bagel has been burnt a little bit. My tea is in a bent paper cup and it is too hot. It’s going to be a day. That is not the whole story. All around are other things burning, world wide news-wise. There are confused and hesitant steps toward the future. Where are we going? What do I want? What is going to happen? Grey clouds, scary leaders, too much of the ‘news’. The coming times will be unpleasant and much worse than the present time is. That much seems pretty obvious. What we can practically do about it is very little. For example; I can take desperate steps to try and make sure my ballot gets in and gets counted but if the border is not open by November, there will not be much I can do. I have been tracking my recent mailings and it takes about 4-5 weeks for a letter to arrive at a U.S. destination. With the 4-5 weeks return to me, I most likely will not receive my ballot until it is too late to return it on time. The sad folks are having their way with the world. By one method or a worse method, His Royal Highness will rule. I am sure of it but not sure exactly what happens after November. Will the U.S. go up in flames and street gun battles? I think that is very highly likely. It is almost a certainty that the U.S. will be substantially changed and a far less democratic place than it isn’t already. I am going to try, anyway. Miracles exist, things happen and perhaps a kind sun will shine in November. Perhaps, perhaps. I think now of this from ‘Casey At The Bat’… where ‘Casey’ is the spirit of hope and democracy — “.. Oh, somewhere in the favoured land the sun is shining bright / The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light / and somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout, / but there is no joy in Mudville — Mighty Casey has struck out…” Earnest Lawrence Thayer.
I am having difficulty getting going and I can’t really paint today, it won’t go well. This means I have to get the paint brushes cleaned up, I can’t let them sit with paint in. Rain appears on it’s way and it’s a dicey thing to use latex paint in the rain. I have decided to sit at Starbucks and force out a word or two, hoping that habit will push something of value onto the page. Writing usually seems like an exercise of futile proportions. It is precisely the size of useless activity. At times like these, I shrink away into a doubt cloud. That is the sad thing about a poseur’s life. Ha. What is nice is to hear from those who are well respected and accomplished artists that they feel the same way from time to time about their work. In my case, I hesitate to call it ‘work’, in my case it is more ‘crap’ than ‘work’. Hahahahah.
There was a good lookin’ feller in here earlier. He didn’t stay long. I think he was negotiating something with the day manager. That reminds me, the original day manager has gone on to other things. Most of the Baristas are now, new. Interesting. The changing of the guard. How often I wish I were young and things were important to do again. I did enjoy working and earning money, it makes you feel good. I would have liked working at Starbucks but it hadn’t been invented yet when I started my financial series of events.
I started with a job at K-mart, one of the first K-marts. That was a good job for me, it got me out and among other folks. I enjoyed running the cash register and stocking shelves. It was ok. Some of my customers were goooood lookin’ guys, I worked in the sporting goods department. An odd place for someone like me, who cared little for sports or outdoor activities. Ha. Some of my co-workers were goooood lookin’ guys, too. One, I remember particularly. He came up to me one day and told me that a girl was interested in me. I was drooling in my heart for him, not a girl. The day and age did not allow for overt gayness or even subtle gayness. I would have needed a heck of a lot of courage to blurt out my Saturday night availability to him, so I didn’t. I regret that. Whichever way it had gone (and I am suspicious to this day about him) would have been fine. If he had beat me up, it would have been okay. I should have tried it out. That’s the best advice… do it, anyway. Life is going to go down the tubes at some point regardless whether you be yourself and ask for what you want or not. You might as well ask, there is a slight chance that you will receive. Think of all the things that might happen for you while life is going to hell, if you just go and do and be – regardless of consequences. You won’t have to sit at Starbucks and daydream about a nice lookin’ fella you never went out with.
I cut the hell out of myself last night while trimming my toenails. Certainly, I am glad the toenails got cut but the cost was I got cut, too. That’s how the nailclipper bounces. It’s okay, something was going to cut me anyway… it might as well be the nail clippers – The trimming is a difficult thing, now and is beginning to require a podiatrist or chiropodist, I fear. I feel too young for that yet but it is a reality. Doing things around the house has also become more than just an emotional hurdle. I can really only do so much. I get very tired, very quickly. I am in a kind of denial that this is real but it is. Time is marching away to it’s own drummer (hahahahahahahhaahhahha — see what I did there?) and I must turn my face toward the music. (?) A nice lookin’ young ‘billabong’ shirt wearing ‘dude’ is standing in front of me. He doesn’t know I am writing about him. Perhaps, I should just sashay over and lower my glasses – give him a wink and my phone number? What have I got to lose? sigh.
Robert On The Air 