Marvelous Mother Nature. Today is a definite fall day, air cool, a bit of breeze, a bit of sunny and clear sky that is only slightly forest fire hazy. The day is so pleasant, you can hardly hear Donald Trump lie. The last little flying creatures are buzzing around every open soda on the patio and the remaining birds are making a racket as they pack their bags. Pumpkins are piled at every fruit stand and in a last, mad dash to finish, the road crews are out in full. Every route slows you and you are forced to settle down, ease back, chill out. I smiled nicely at one of the road crew guys as I passed and he gave me a bewildered look. Perhaps, I used the wrong bag of smiles smile? He might have thought it was a ‘spider to the fly’ sort of smile. Haha. Perhaps, it was. Maybe, I am suffering a delayed spring, a delayed ‘merry month of May’? No, I am not dead yet. Further proof is that I noticed not only the young lad on the road crew but the young, built guy at Starbucks.
“I am not dead, yet,” is what Ed’s mother used to say. She really appreciated a handsome man and did so to the very last. After her final, ultimately fatal stroke, she was ensconced at the emergency room. She was in bad shape and could only move one arm, one hand. Early on as events were still unfolding, she was yet able to connect and respond with the world. A very good looking young doctor was assessing her condition. At one point during the interview, she kept raising her arm and wiggling her fingers with a gripping motion. The doctor appeared puzzled and looked at me, as if to ask, “What does this mean?” I responded, “Take her hand, she likes you.” He did so but with an odd look on his face. When he took her hand, she smiled that certain smile. It made me feel so cheerful. I guess it gave me courage for my own time of decay, incapacity. That time is rapidly approaching.
I was out in the back yard last weekend, doing a bit of work on the summer-long project that should have been finished a month or two ago. As I worked, my back began to give way. It wasn’t long and I was out of commission, in the house and flat on the sofa. I hardly did anything strenuous at all, it was a ‘just one of those things’ kind of injury. Sigh. Since I was knocked out, I had to prolong the project yet another week or so. I needed time to recuperate. Recuperation time seems the biggest problem. “Oh, well,” do the other things I can still do,” I thought. I struggled into the car and drove to Starbucks for a tea, a bagel and a rant on Facebook. Getting out of the car, I noticed that there was a low tire. “Crap.” Aiyiyi. With my back gone, I simply could not lean over or squat in order to refill the tire. It dawned on me that I was going to have to take the car in and have a mechanic check and refill the tire. Wow.
It was a bit of a blow to my indoctrinated sense of masculinity that I had to have a mechanic fix a tire on the car. I even apologized and offered excuse to the mechanic. I thought about the making excuses bit. I am more than old-fashioned. I am still living in the social time of the dinosaur. For me, it is the manly thing to do, fixing my own stuff. I don’t ask for directions, I don’t ask for help. I am like many men of my age and if I can’t do a thing, I usually leave it undone rather than confront my incapacity. As concerns the building and fixing, it is silly, but I am having trouble accepting that I have declined physically. It isn’t a dangerous situation yet. I can still do most of what I always did but there are those days, like yesterday. I had to have the tire working and I couldn’t do it myself. Sigh again.
Along with my physical limits are other new boundaries. My romantic boundaries are pretty apparent, now. I can wink and smile at the construction worker, but that’s it. I have gained a bit (a lot bit) of saggy weight and am completely grey now. Someone just told me that I don’t need to lighten my hair…it is already pure white. Haha. I am not desireable, exactly and romantic escapades are gettin’ fewer and further between. That has to be ok because that is the way of the world. It’s Mother at work. We decline, all of us. It can be a matter of degree and we can do some work to delay the inevitable but the destination is the same for all. Letting go and accepting what we cannot prevent or change isn’t so easy. Young is a nice place to be. The smartest ones of us do let go and let life be what it is, easing in to the new times, the conditions. It can also be seen as a relief to be having some nice young person fix your tire, a relief to toss a spider/fly smile at the little sweethearts and not have to deal with relationship drama. Ah yes. Better warn the ER doctor that I am on my way. Hahahahaha
Robert On The Air 