Nearly at January’s end…the days are spinning quickly by. It hardly seems a moment ago that I was sanding drywall and already here we are again, avoiding the doing. There is little visible progress toward the goals I have set myself and time is fleeting. What seems to work for me is to set aside the weekend for home renovation and the week for writing. What is actually happening is that, during the week, I am spending far too many hours in front of the television set and far too few singing, playing, writing. It bothers me that I drift away from my creative goals so easily but I am slowly coming to the realization that the creative stuff is stifled by stress. I try and I manage a bit. I end up constantly telling myself that I have not done enough but I am doing what is possible, little enough as it is. There are a host of reasons so little is possible, that self-control is difficult. Our world is still upside down, this year into the pandemic. Is it as though a war was on? A financial meltdown? A famine? A plague of locusts? No. And yet, yes.
Covid, in all it’s elements is bringing out the worst in us. First, it was unfair and ill-considered rolling, amorphous lockdowns. Should we wear masks or no? Should the big-box stores be able to sell as usual, leaving the small guys to suffer? Then came rebellion against the relatively simple requests and rules. Now that a vaccine or two are available, the fighting begins about when and where we get our dose, who is first. So far, money and politics are playing key roles in the distribution of vaccine. When will humans get their act together and learn to be patient, learn to share, learn to trust. Our leaders are letting us down. Where are the calm but firm and honest voices? Where are the governments willing to act and act responsibly for the good of all?
It’s tempting to blame the modern conservatives but the liberals are equal in culpability. Yeah, Trump and his cohorts are desperate totalitarians but Pilosi and Schumer are schemers, too. In Canada, we are driven between the rock of Trudeau’s naivety/idealism/silver-spoon privilege and the hard place of O’toole’s base and agressive ambitions. Europe is eroding slowly, with only the odd leader here and there willing to stand for what’s right over what will get them elected. Putin is an evil and ambitious tyrant. China remains as controlling, as opaque as it ever was. There are no truly honest men or women, I fear.
Down here on the farm, I am getting rapidly older. To myself, I deny this but it’s true, it’s real. My arthritis is a serious problem that I do my best to ignore, I grow less and less mobile (though that is gradual yet). I am losing my good eyesight and hearing. The eyesight is going quicker but YOUWILLHAVETOSPEAKUP if you want me to hear you. I am also sliding into a resistance of sorts. I resist getting out of bed. I resist slowing down on the noshing. I resist exercise, I resist piano practice, I resist… Nossir…I just don’t want to anymore. Sigh. It has been a long series of reasons why the reticence developed. Partly, I am bored with the doing…I have been doing long enough. Partly, I am frustrated with the slow pace of accumulation (piano skills, writing skills, emotional health skills). Partly, I am angry at the decay, the being fat, the loss of clear sight, the mumbling singers on the radio. Partly, the divorce and upending of what was a pleasant life creates stress. Partly, the deaths and estrangements of people I cared about weighs on me. …and, partly, I mourn the loss of excitement in living. There is more to dread than to eagerly anticipate.
Sigh. Setting aside the negatives and polishing up the positives is a real chore. It has to be done and I know that. To think and believe otherwise is to succumb. Here we go: Starting with politics and covid and world. Biden did win the election, that means that cooler heads are out there somewhere. Trudeau has not been forced into an election, cooler heads again. The European Union is still a union, still attempting to work together, cooler heads. The Israelis are heading into yet another election, cooler heads? There are real Russians marching in the street, in spite of Putin’s hard-ball tactics. Hong Kong has not given up the fight against The Party Central, yet. Vaccines are real and moderately imminent. The sun came brilliant this morning (little cloudy now) and I woke in a warm bed, comfortable. Starbucks is open for window service and the tea was delicious, the bagel toasty, the server cheerful to a fault. I saw a hot looking fellow walking down the street, sharing his beauty with all who could see it. (maybe I should have pulled over, rolled down the window and expressed my appreciation? maybe not) I have a thousand friends, some of them in far away places. I communicate via electronics with someone, every day. I can still see through the blur, I can still hear Jimi Hendrix (My neighbours can hear him better every day). I continue to write silly little poems and bang at the piano. Though I am consuming too much pie, it is still tasting delicious. Yeah. I guess it is the best of times and the worst of times. The joy is that even while lying on our deathbeds, there is still time. I choose to think pleasant thoughts…as in the advice given to new brides once upon a time. It’s a good idea. I will, “close my eyes and think of England,” letting what will happen, happen.
Robert On The Air 