July 2, 2021
The shadow of autumn is in the air today. It is one of the rare days, where season is indeterminate. Here, it is currently delicious. That isn’t true for everyone, everywhere in Canada. The western part of the country is frying under a blister-dome and we relax with cool breeze and angled sunlight that suggests winter is approaching. Or maybe, it is the end of April and a brilliant, early, warm spring of green still has an eye for the recent past of blustery chill from the north? In any case, this sort of weather is my favourite. It’s close to perfect. The wind is cool, the sunlight warm, the trees bent and swirling in brisk motion. All things seem possible. Anything could happen. I am excited as the green and flexible things are. Anticipation is the scene I witness and the emotion I feel. It could be warmer? It could be cooler? It could be better and it could not.
For me, good fortune smiles yet and I browse on cherry pie, the cherries being ones frozen last year in anticipation of such a day as this. I still don’t have the knack of a decent pie-crust but it is coming along, I am learning, I am improving. The crust? matters to none save me, since I have consumed the pie and have somewhat lower standards than others might. I tend to accept what I have without expectation of anything better when I am by myself. When I am with others, I might feel shame that my pie-crust was not perfect. That has been true of my interaction with the outside world for as long as I can remember. Lately, that sort of bowed head submission to individuals of higher developed skills and what they might think has started to evaporate. It must be a natural thing, that as a person ages, gains experience, they begin to not sweat the small stuff, to tolerate imperfection and those who criticize it with a broadening yawn. The yawn acknowledges how unimportant squirming complaints and bad pie-crust really are. “Pie, is easy,” they say but it isn’t, so you eat what ya got and ya enjoys it.
I read something that made me think hard about myself, who I am. What I care about. What is important. What others think and how to evaluate that, what store to set by another’s opinion. I read that we are several persons. We exist in another’s view in ways that we cannot imagine. My dog sees me how? My neighbour sees me how? My friends see me how? In each pair of ‘other’ eyes, I am someone I do not know and likely wouldn’t recognize. Isn’t that interesting? Inside, here on the couch, watching TV is a guy that I talk to or whom talks to me, tells me what he thinks of the stupid movie or the wrong-headed thing I have done.
My tail-wagging, slurpy lipped, eager dog sees and communicates with some totally different person than who I am. My friends, when they think of me, think of someone I could not imagine. Even my analyist doesn’t know the me I know. In peculiar fact, I don’t know me either. Isn’t that interesting? I know the person I imagine myself to be, depending on mood. Am I cheerful, good looking, depressive, boring, fat? Depends on the hormones and the time of day. My dog sees comfort, protection, sustenance of all kinds. My dog sees a true pal, my friends see just whatever they see. These ones probably don’t mind me too much. It is hard to say. Inside, there is yet the person I don’t want to know or see who exists but is behind some kind of curtain. Of all these creatures, which am I?
An indefinite and honest answer to “who am I”, is: I am all of the above, you are all of the above. We have traits, we are unique but we are also what the kaliedoscope shows. I am what the dog sees, I am what the cat bit, I am the fellow helping an old lady cross the street, I am the bedeviled substance abuser, I am that asshole who shows up to the party empty-handed, I am that really smart friend who figures things out, I am funny, I can sing and I cannot. I am fat and I am thinner. I am just right and way too intense. I am a clear sky day that suddenly rains. I chase and comfort the birds at the same time. I am shelter and I am riot. I am spring and summer and fall, all of them in the few minutes it takes a cloud to pass. I am the light changing from hopeful to overbright and back again.
Some things can be pointed to with unanimity. The crowd witnesses the crime and points to where it happened, the police go to make the arrest. There is a moderate agreement on the facts at times. For example, I like to write stuff and sing stuff and try to play stuff. I see that. I think others see me in that way as well. The dog sees me typing, the pussycats hear me singing and bashing at guitar. My neighbours saw me carrying in the box of printed books, they see me go off in my tuxedo, with a smile on my face. They have attended concerts and seen me in the back row with an ear-to-ear on my face. The general opinion is that I can be defined, described as a creative person, involved with the arts. Even the little doggies and pussycats know that much.
Being creative is my innocent charm. The charm that harms none. We all have that, each of us. We had it from the git-go. We have a born light, a true light and it doesn’t disturb. Not a baby thing on earth provokes more than a smile. (unless you are a hungry predator and enjoy freshness) Yeah, each of us, animal, mineral or vegetable has a thing, a self, a real. Perhaps, you were born to stare at stamps from far-off places or knit fantastic things or cook… Maybe you aren’t that good at it but hey…only a few can be, you are still a knitter, a cook, a stamp collector. You are imperfect or not. It doesn’t matter a damn.
Nothing is perfect or will ever be other than life. Nothing is perfect other than the right now day. Nothing is perfect beyond the time that is blowing in or blowing out. Today is blowing in as unique, as a surprise. Mmmmm, delicious! This is not perfect weather but it’s damn close. Actually, I think nothing is perfect because nothing has to be. We already have enough perfect to go around. Check it out. Whooops! There goes a bird about a hundred clicks. He is flying! Wow! the trees are dancing like crazy! OOOh! There goes a boat, out into the bright sky horizon lake! Mmmmm! I am gonna go write all this down, just because.
Robert On The Air 