October 19, 2021
I watched a little bit of Mathias Havinga playing Bach on the Oudekerk organ in The Netherlands. Mathias is marvellous, he is young, he is beautiful, he is in control of music and the soul of it. He is a joy to watch and to listen to. Seeing him at the Oude Kerk made me wonder if John Irving had him in mind when he was writing ‘Until I Find You’. Mr. Irving must certainly have attended an organ concert in that church as part of the research for the novel. His descriptions and details are far too fine to be second-hand to him. I have walked those streets and wandered outside that church and, as I read the novel, I could feel the place again. I could feel that place as I watched Mathias fly up and around on the keyboards and pedals and stops. I could feel it and I wished it were me! My heart caught, a little. I missed something again. I did my usual. I reminisced. Ah… What could have been.
Yeah. There might have been so many wild adventures! So many great achievements! I could have done anything, you could have done anything! Ah, what a life could have been. “Yeah, yeah….but..” What is the value of a reminiscence, does it outshine or eclipse a reality? Tales of the effort unmade or a chance not taken are old news, old comfort, old inspiration. Everyone has a song. It is the same song, we all know that our missed dates with destiny were our fault. Yeah, yeah. Truth, in the guise of common knowledge, says we must take life in hand – make the effort. You must try, you must ask for, you must engage, you must drive for a thing you desire. Yeah. So true. ‘Pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ – good advice. It’s good advice, but not complete. There are other states and conditions, sometimes. There can be regrets.
In my own case (which case I probably know least well), I set out to be a keyboardist at age nine. I fell in love with piano and homemade music because my aunt played at family events. If there was a piano around, the harrangue always started, “Ah, c’mon Zip! Play ‘Star Of The East’ for Ma!” She would and it was magnificent! “Just look at that!” I said to myself, “A real person can make music come out of her fingertips! I wanna do that!” On one long ago Christmas Eve, my dad, one uncle and one aunt did harmony singing on ‘Star of the East’ and I was hooked. It was the one and only time I ever heard my dad sing. He was pretty darn good! Three on voice and one on piano? I was in bliss!
I decided that I would learn to play and started the endless begging of my parents. “I want a piano! I want a piano! I want a piano!” It had little more effect than to be a simple annoyance, a disturbance of their peace. Since there wasn’t a way for them to afford such a thing (and there were four other children who might get the idea that something expensive was necessary), Mom and Dad cast about for a good reason that pianos weren’t possible. “Oh,” they said, “this old house could never keep a piano from falling into the basement! Sorry, son…the floor would not support such a weight.” Sadly, I had to agree. Things didn’t look promising as far as support went. Okay, then. No piano. As hoped for, I drifted into other things and forgot the idea. I gave up easily, wishing not to cause grief by insisting. So, I won’t be a pianist. On we go.
Sometimes, a little setback changes the whole world. A brick wall strike happens to a person and they can’t see a way around or over. Folks can be convinced to give up and not try for the moon. Sure, it is true that a person on a real mission can sometimes overcome lots of obstacles. It is also true that some obstacles aren’t possible to overcome without an outside assist. That is why ‘pull yourself up’ is probably the very least effective advice. Sometimes, you need a mentor, a benefactor, a guide. The thing that ‘pull yourself up’ does best, is to convince a person he is unworthy because he didn’t do so. The un-pulled up one blames himself or blames someone or something. ‘Pull yourself up’ is the kind of advice that breeds blame.
Fast forward to the year two thousand, twenty-one. Here sits the fat one at his keyboard. He has been watching Mathias Havinga and the muse is upon him. He has bought himself a piano! “Finally! I get to do this thing!” Well…there is a point when you are too far along, too much past the prime, too far away from the mark. The hour of the possibility of something is struck and gone. Ha. You are left with the cold and blue light of whatever day remains. Uhoh. “She ain’t gonna happen. Those ol’ fingers are too arthritic, too tired…there isn’t time enough remaining.” I had a singing teacher tell me, “..we have a problem!” I said, “Oh?”. She continued, “…it is your age! You will never be great!” Oh, my, I guess she told me!
I can hear a thousand who suddenly pipe up: “What about today? What about this moment? What about what IS? What about where you HAVE been?”. They mean well. They intend only to salvage positivity. Okay. Let’s do so. We’ll start with what was: I was thin and handsome, sexy – I was charming and shy – I was intelligent, though not well-educated – I was interested in art and the spiritual life through music and poetry – I had high hopes and I was fresh. As anyone does, I found there were some high hurdles, moats, alligators, swamps, blue meanies and other creatures of defeat. So sorry. Didn’t make it to my ideal place. Is that world’s end? In the one word, no.
Let’s finish with today, with where I am, where you are, with gratitude. Yeah. Blame can take a friggin’ hike. There is plenty of blame. Self-consciousness can take a friggin’ hike. There is plenty of that. Grief and regret belong on the shelf. They are real, but useless and out-of-date ornaments to living. Yah. I watch Mathias play and I know how bad my own playing can be. I look at Mathias’ nice bum and I look at myself. Whew! What the hell happened? Get a little chubby, did we? Ha. There is, no matter what, in the end, a life lived and more yet to come. I do have my little successes and high points. Maybe Mathias didn’t have that night at the swimmin’ hole when a cute guy with no pants on said, “C’mon in…the water’s fine!”…mmmmmm
Robert On The Air 