It is closing in on my brother’s 66th birthday.  He is the baby of the family, last one out.  My mother and other siblings remain irascible as ever but my dad is gone. I think we are a little unusual in that we have made it this far without losing more than one of our number.  Friends from school days and rousting about days are missing.  Missing in many ways, some have parts missing, some have teeth missing, hair missing.  Some are just photographs, now.  My cousins have started dropping by the wayside and their parents, my aunts and uncles,  are rapidly disappearing.  Time grows short and not long.  We have been traveling a while and I can see the end of the road.  It isn’t much further. 

Who knows what comes next along the road as time stretches. I wonder and hope that there will be rest?  Maybe not.  Maybe we will suffer the pains of hell that have been predicted for us by those who have ‘a connection’ to the other side or to the beyond. Who can say.  None have returned from the edge or from any length of time at the edge so it is anybody’s guess.  Perhaps ‘God’ spoke to some of our fellows a long time ago and had them write some stuff down. He didn’t want it to be forgotten, I am sure.  What bothers me about God now, is that he only seems to speak to crazy people.  Franklin Graham?  Jerry Falwell? Ayatollah Rumeni? (and that hunched over guy who is so mean…can’t think of his name)

With time running out on us, I worry that God has forgotten what he told all those other folks, long ago, to write down.  Maybe, as my friend in Israel says, he changed his mind?  Maybe he doesn’t want us to be friends with each other and leave each other alone anymore?  He wants us to kill and steal and covet our neighbours wife?  That is what Donald Trump does and Franklin Graham loves Donald.   Benjamin Netanyahu steals money from the folks.  Ayatollah Rumeni makes the folks  pray before he kills them by hanging or stoning them. Jerry Falwell wants the homosexuals put in jail or killed.  okay, God…what gives?  Is it okay now to do these things?  Folks are telling us you told them it was the right thing to do.

Anyway, happy approaching birthday to my baby brother and I sure hope we keep living for a long time so that we don’t have to go to hell anytime soon.

Must every day be a new beginning?  I guess and suppose that is why earth is round, the sun is round. I think the trick is to leave a little of the broken up space dust behind and let it collect into some sort of alien planet, a rock dragging somewhere far behind you. Take what you need and leave the rest…put it in the bin, on the cart.

I have decided?  to let things be and just keep a-goin. My past life, the married part will have to sit unresolved.  We cannot talk, there is nothing but anger, resentment.  Not useful.  His life is now his, mine, mine.  No resolution, only memories.  There were good memories as well as bad.  The end result is a draw.  We fired our weapons at stars and neither one of us hit anything.  Holster the whole thing and move on like two space cowboys, dragging their carts.

There are in life, things that cannot be resolved.  Grief is one.  It is a stone to carry and you just have to carry it.  Maybe put that stone in the cart and drag it along with you.  At least that will leave your hands free to continue living. You still will always have the stones in the cart.  Dragging the cart seems easier, you get kind of used to it, your muscles build up a little and on you go.  It doesn’t get easier, really…each new stone becomes part of the load.  By the end of our time, we make look all beat up and worried down to nothing but we are incredibly strong then.  Death becomes nothing, a walk in the park?

hahahahahahaah— Wonder what’s for dinner?

It is leap year, so I will leap. That’s what you do, I hear. I have been trying to leap into a new life on my own. I am almost certain that I have done, maybe a little. I had to turn my back on the past thirty years. It is over, people are dead and gone. The money is spent and on we must go because time remains yet. For a while I sat thinking about things I never imagined thinking about. “Just suppose”, I thought. “Suppose I moved to Mexico and spent the rest of my life there?” Is that a possibility? Why would I ever want to do that? Why would I not want to do that? What other apparently crazy things are there to do yet? Is it possible to move to England? I know I could move to California or Florida or Newfoundland or Alaska or Nova Scotia. Where should I leap to? Should I leap further? Is Leamington the end of leaping? How about a half-leap?

I am not a person who does well in the heat but I am increasingly tired of snow, cold weather. Perhaps I could find some way of spending at least a little of winter elsewhere. That would be a half leap that would make life more interesting. I could half-leap to affordable Nova Scotia for summer, then someplace warmer in winter. California, Florida are a bit expensive for me to bear. Not a realistic possibility to go there on my own and pay the whole fee. Mexico is cheaper, for certain but it sure was hot. To keep it low cost, I would have to walk most places I went. Walking is Ok. Walking is a thing I have always enjoyed but in Puerto Vallarta, it was a challenge. Whew! I was gasping for air and sweating my way up and down the hills of Puerto Vallarta for a couple of recent weeks. If I had prepared better, it might have been less exhausting. Walking in the heat this time was a definite downside. The upside is that sitting on the verandah, the terrace, the balcony, allowed those constant Pacific ocean breezes to lift the sun off my shoulders and dry my sweat. I suppose I could do that? Would that be the right thing to do?

I am not at all convinced that the heat and humidity on a February day are righteous things for a winter-climate-born boy to enjoy. It is just wrong, somehow. Winter is a fact of life. The cold and snow come every year, it is the way of things. The earth turns, tips toward and away from the sun. That is what is. This is righteous. Endure and enjoy are living. To fly someplace more convenient during the inconvenient times seems like a sort of ‘chickening out’. Going off and spending earth’s resources as well as my own on something like warm days and restful nights…unfair. Just because I can, should I?

I have reawakened my website. At robert-on-the-air.com you will find my new record and the new book in their current state of semi-completion. The book is very close to being done and I will add the cover picture when it is ready. Enjoy